you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
