Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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