i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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