We named our party play list daddy issues
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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