filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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