i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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