I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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