It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
