conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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