I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
