Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
