Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
