Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
