Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
