I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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