Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
