How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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