The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
