Got a toothbrush?
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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