I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
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