I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
