i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
