Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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