I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
