I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
