Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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