Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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