I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
