Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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