I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
