Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
