I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It's shark week go big or go home
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
