I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
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