After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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