I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
