pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
