Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
