theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
