Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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