my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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