He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
he puts the penis in happiness.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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