Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
