You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
