look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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