she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
