There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
