Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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