Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
