there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
