if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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