How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
