Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
