Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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