singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
