I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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