Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
no, he came in my armpit
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
