I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
