I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
